Internal Landscapes

I've been understanding through this blog and other interactions lately that I am even more territorial than I thought or want to  acknowledge. After work, I've been meeting with hardscaper/landscapers, water specialists, and irrigation specialists to see what solutions are available for the standing water on the left side of the house since we have quite a bit both from our yard and roof and we are getting a lot of run-off from our neighbors yard. I don't like digging, so I was hoping to be able to hire someone else. I've been finding out so many things that are helping me understand things I didn't quite understand on our inspection when we bought the house. It turns out what I thought is a drainage issue on the left side of the house is something that is fairly easily solved with a swale or dry creek to help the water flow faster so it doesn't build up next to the side door. 

While I had the different specialists there, I also asked about other areas that I was concerned about namely our back patio as I have discovered that it is not a good idea when one's foundation is completely covered up. I find it really cool when I meet people who I feel comfortable with and have ideas that work with my ideas or that I can learn something from. One of the people, I consulted with was a landscaper/hardscaper. I had called him up in February to get an estimate on a fence because he made some really artistic and beautiful fences as well as hardscaping that flowed. He also specializes in dry creeks. He gave us a really simple idea on how to get the overabundance of rainwater to flow away from the side door faster and basically said we could do it ourselves as did the other two specialists but he also said that we should save are money to hire someone to deal with the more difficult aspects of our property. He outlined ideas he had for a fence that he wanted to do and for what to do about our patio. I told him I was open to changing the pathways near the patio and to changing what I had laid out. I was really excited while I talked to him, but afterward I got kind of down. I knew it wasn't only how much it was gonna cost for his beautiful artistic designs and that I wasn't sure we should be spending that kind of money or that I felt we couldn't afford to spend that kind of money.

Through talking with Tara and the "Man", I came to understand that I was worried about what I had already invested in the landscape. I'm very attached to what I have already planted and worried about others tromping through my backyard playground. I was also worried about any future plants that I hadn't even bought yet. As the backyard has taken shape through my hard work, I find myself thinking about different plants in their respective areas and using them as tools to calm myself in stressful situations. I've been imagining the beauty of my desert willow and grasses or seeing the grasses or the alligator juniper flowing in the wind.  Sometimes, I see the calm of the hops bush in its protected spot. These plants in the environment I have placed them are becoming part of my internal landscape and growing a contented joy there. When I am faced with dealing with a difficult situation, I can go to those spots and suddenly I can breathe again.  I have the same feeling to a lesser extent when I think about certain paintings I've done that imagining them can put me into a meditative and calm place. I think of the scene in "Fight Club" where the main character is building his happy place. 

When I see the yard take shape, there is a sense of child like amazement both in how beautiful it is becoming in my eyes, but also in the "wow, I did this" category. I have the same feeling when I see my paintings because I enjoy them so much and making them was in the past, and because I can never put together the elements that created those pieces they mark not just an expression of my feelings and me, but something ephemeral. It is hard for me to find the words for what they mean to me and how they have a life of their own now. My backyard has become my canvas, too, but it is also uncontrollable in some ways because it requires working with what is there and nature itself. 

What I realized is that I don't want to share creative control or even labor. I want to if it is possible without hurting myself have a hand in all the hard work because I want that feeling of looking out with amazement at what I can accomplish and thinking "wow, I did this, how was I able to to do this." I want to follow my own process and not have to deal with anybody else's process. Though, the "Man" helps and has input, it is not the same because he is also part of my internal landscape. We already have symbiotic relationship, an interdependence. The "Man" pointed out to me that part of why I keep bumping up against this issue is that I am impatient so I go out to search for ways to make something happen faster. Tara pointed out that I'm still doing research and talking to these various people is part of that. I've learned a lot in talking to these "experts" from the mulch I have been using is only good for smothering things and I shouldn't put around new plants, to my property can't support large scale rainwater harvesting, to everybody has a different opinion though sometime they overlap and charge differing amounts depending on their specialty, but most of all I've learned about myself. My wants, my needs, where I lack confidence in the face of "experts" and where I am willing to argue, where I feel guilty because I want to support another person's enterprise because I like what they are doing, but knowing that it would be at the cost of my family's needs. I think it is Krishnamurti who pointed out that we learn the most about ourselves through our relationships and interactions with other people. I would probably add though our relationship with art and nature as well i.e. our environment.  I don't know if I read it or dreamed it, but somewhere I found that learning is what we are meant to do in this life.