Before I ever got pregnant, I knew I wanted to breast feed. The image of the baby at the breast was the ultimate image of motherhood for me which made being unable to breast feed hard. My large breasts in the beginning of trying to breast feed were so unwieldy, my nipples so large and shaped wrong, and I couldn’t seem to manage them. My child couldn’t seem to latch on most of the time and when she did, it hurt. Right from the first moment she was at my breast she tore up my left nipple. I was given a nipple shield to help with that, but it made it all the more harder as I fumbled with it. All of it added to my sense of incompetence at a part of motherhood that was suppose to be so natural and easy.
When the post-partum nurse tried to teach me to breast feed, my child turned red, screamed and fought being put on my breast. Breast feeding started to seem like an act of violence rather than the ultimate image of mother love. When my child turned blue at my breast and almost suffocated, I still didn’t give up even thought panic raced through my body every time she changed colors to red. When my child lost more than 10% of her body weight and we couldn’t wake her, I still thought breast feeding was best and going to happen, especially since my milk had come in and the post-partum nurse and I discovered that my nipples were fine, but that my child couldn’t suck my nipple the way she needed to to get milk. The nurse thought my kid had a tongue thrust issue and just required some training.
Meanwhile until I could get breastfeeding going, we were going to spoon feed our kiddo with expressed breast milk so she could have the energy to try breast feeding. My kiddo wasn’t able to be spoon fed, she spit up all her food. After some consultation we eventually decided to use a bottle. My milk supply was starting to go down, though. My husband and I endured a night of screaming as we fed our child just enough so that she realized how hungry she was. Sometime during those hours of screaming, I had a moment of lucidity and knew I was sending my husband to the store for formula as soon as they opened. We just couldn’t go on like this... I was trying to follow the expert advice I was being given and going against my instincts that said my child needed to be fed and how it was done didn’t matter. At that point, she totally rejected my breasts by moving her head away or go completely still like an animal does when hit by headlights or she would scream when my nipples came near her. In two days, my child gained back most of her birth weight and her jaundice was mostly gone.
A week later, I tried again with the most experienced lactation consultant I could find. She noticed fairly quickly that my child had a breathing problem. Specifically, that Kiddo could not coordinate suck, swallow, breathe which apparently is suppose to be in a 1:1:1. I found out from her that babies naturally protect their airways which is probably why my child screamed at the breast and fought being latched on. The consultant was surprised we could bottle feed at all. The consultant gave me tips on how to feed with the bottle so that I could eventually try breast feeding if my child grew out of her coordination issue which often happened with kids around 3 months and also recommended taking my child to a pediatric ear, nose, throat specialist to make sure there were no hidden issues.
The ENT knew immediately from the way our kid sounded that she had Laryngomalacia, which means that the cartilage in our little one's voice box is too soft and flops over partially blocking her airway. After looking at our child’s throat she also diagnosed GERD because our kiddo’s throat tissue was very inflamed. Kiddo has what is known as "silent" GERD 'cause she doesn't spit up, but reswallows the acid reflux so that she gets a double dose which really inflames the tissue. The ENT felt that Kiddo's case was mild on both counts. She indicated that what we were already doing was enough with a few other modifications in how we fed her. Breastfeeding though was pretty much out of the question with Kiddo's trifecta of problems. After much research, I came to realize we were lucky that our child could drink breastmilk from the bottle at all. Our little one could easily have had failure to thrive and/or needed other medical intervention. Being able to take the bottle and being able to mostly feed her pumped breastmilk apparently was a success. I wish it felt that way. I try to feel grateful that with the bottle we know how much she is eating and that my husband gets to bond with our daughter through feeding her too. I'm also excited when we weigh her and see that she is growing, Last weigh-in, she was 10lbs 10 ozs and not even 3 weeks yet. I think I will still be dealing with a broken heart for a while, but like all broken hearts, time will heal all I expect and I will get over the what-ifs and maybe I should haves...
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